Fear What You Want

It's the one thing that changes how you live your life. It changes who you are friends with and how you talk to people. It might as well change everything about you. Love is not just a feeling or a word or a description, it's a way of living. When you love someone you tend to change your everyday routine. Instead of going on Facebook and flirting with that cute girl, you are now sitting on your computer updating your status about how much you love your girlfriend. Or instead of going out to the club with the rest of the girls, you are now sitting at home on the phone with your boyfriend talking about what you like and don't like. Love is such a strange thing when you think about it. It changes your whole mind set, maybe even changes the way you look at the opposite sex. For me I don't know what love is, in fact I don't think no one ever will. If I fell inlove with someone how would I know I even did. Is it just because I care about them and have these strong feelings for them and seeing them makes me happy? Maybe its just something no one is suppose to actually know, but something everyone interprets on their own. We all want love but when we get love we are afraid of it. We are so afraid of loving someone, caring for someone, and being with someone. The idea of being together in serious commitment is scary for some people, yet being alone is even scarier. When you actually look at it though, what are you so afraid of? A person caring about you or is it the idea of love that is scary? I don't mind if I never fall inlove, the factor of me feeling some strong emotion for someone is just what I want to endore. Love can change people, hurt people, and show the true colors of people. When really all I want is acceptance from someone. Someone who will trust me, care for me, and like every aspect about me wether its good or bad. I want the sexual connection yet the satisfation of cuddling after a nice dinner. I don't a road that comes to an end because love has taken a bad turn, I just want to keep driving down the road with someone. Thats all I want.

It Just Hurts

This week has gotten better than last weeks, for the most part at least. My friend Mike, who I have been living with, went to Seaside for a week and left me in his house with the rest of his family...Awkward. Don't get me wrong, I'm close with his family but its just weird, hanging out in his house with him not there. He said he was gonna come home to come to my show, but he never said he wanted to stay in Seaside. Eventually he came back, but I made it a point to sleep out that night. He begged me to come stay with him rather than move with my family yet he hasn't been here.Things just started off rough. I planned a scavenger hunt for last night and it actually came out pretty good. We never officially established who one, but it doesn't really matter cause I got Mike to come and that's the hardest thing to do. Getting Mike out of the house to do something is nearly impossible since he always has to pick out the flaws in my plans. Things like that really bring me down, makes me feel like I'm not worth hanging out with. In fact now that I look at it, nothing went good at all the last week. I mean I got out of the house but my mind just wasn't in the right spot. I've been thinking way too much about Love, Friends, Leaving. I cant leave all this behind yet i need to. I feel if I got away from everyone it would give me a chance to breathe. I only have 4 weeks left in this place and I need to stop bitching and make it worth while.

Super Bass - Nicki Minaj (Cover by @KarminMusic)

The New Horizon

So finally its been weeks later, but I am actually all moved into my best friends house. Of course I love it because its something new and exciting, plus his family is awesome. Though I do miss my own family a lot, I make whatever spare time I have to go visit them. This past week I've had so much to do. Between getting ready for this show with Cities & Years on Friday, working all the time, and trying to equal out my friendships, I feel like I've been constantly moving and haven't found the time to just sit. Today I tried to take my time before heading off to work, because I feel like I'm being rude to my new family. Since I never really sit down with them or talk to them much I figured I'd drink coffee and eat breakfast with them. Of course that didn't go as planned since his parents weren't home and his brother and sister sat in separate rooms. Time came to go to work and thats when I started to rush. Just then his sister turned to me and said "your always going in and out, in and out." and of course I know this and feel bad about it. I just proceeded to joke about it saying how busy I was. I just hope his family doesn't get the wrong impression of me since I really would like to converse with them.